TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely away from spot. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let us have Yet another place wherever American Males can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer Anyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he must prevent using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the challenge, replied, "You understand, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred Trump Tower Damascus for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a feature staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after finding the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting attention from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down service."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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